WEDNESDAYS #1 vs. JAGUARS B:

(vol. 11W, no. 1; newsletter by b.n.)
I walked in to the rink the other night and ran in to the infamous TPOC. For those of you not familiar with TPOC, you can refer to the newsletter in which he first appeared. You should be able to go to view it at: vol. 9W, no. 9

I took the opportunity to sit in the stands and talk with him before the Pirates game and the words that came out of his mouth could shock and amaze you. Without further commentary, here’s the official transcript of the interview:

Wednesday Night Newsletter Author:
Hey TPOC, what brings you here?
Traitorous Piece Of Crap: Well, I just came to check out the Pirates.
WeNNA: You know TPOC, I noticed in a recent newsletter that you were referred to as “Lucy” and not TPOC. What did you think about that?
TPOC: Well you know, at first I was highly offended by it, but then I realized it was just Chris trying to have a little fun.
WeNNA: You don't think it was mean-spirited in any way?
TPOC: Nah, if Chris wanted to be mean-spirited, I'm sure he would have chosen another Peanuts character.
WeNNA: Like, say Pigpen?
TPOC: No not Pigpen, I think he's already been taken by someone else.
WeNNA: Who?
TPOC: You know, the guy with the stinky equipment.
WeNNA: You mean the guy whose hockey bag smells like cat pee?
TPOC: No, not that guy, the other guy with stinky stuff. You know, he never really had a name, he just went by --

(Just then the Pirates first game of the season began with Russ Nicolosi taking the opening face-off with Chris and Wildman on the wings. On “D” was Roger and Glen Chambers)

WeNNA: Oh, OK. Well, whatever. So you don't mind being compared with Lucy?
TPOC: Well, not the Elephant.
WeNNA: What elephant? What the heck are you talking about?
TPOC: You just asked if I minded being compared to an elephant.
WeNNA: No I didn't I just asked if you minded being compared to Lucy.
TPOC: THAT'S WHAT I JUST SAID!

(While TPOC was screaming, the Jags B scored on a scramble in front of the net in the opening :45 seconds)

WeNNA: Alright, forget it.
TPOC: OK, but keep in mind it could have been a lot worse.
WeNNA: How so?
TPOC: Well, Chris could have used what Russ wanted to call me.
WeNNA: What was that?
TPOC: I can't say.
WeNNA: What do you mean you can't say? Of course you can say.
TPOC: No, I mean I really can't say. Come on, my kids might read this newsletter, I can't say what he said.
WeNNA: How about if you whisper it in my ear?
TPOC: Well, OK. But you can't say it out loud cause I don't want my kids reading it.
WeNNA: Deal.

(As TPOC started to whisper in my ear, a group of high school girls picked this moment to walk into stands. As they spied us they began to laugh hysterically. Simultaneous to this, the Jags B scored yet again for the 2-0 lead in the 1st period.)

WeNNA: Whoa, that is bad. Well, anyway so other than the “Lucy” thing, you thought the recent newsletter was fairly accurate?
TPOC: Well, I thought it was fairly accurate except for the fact that Chris left out that Brian N got three goals!
WeNNA: You mean Brian N got a hat-trick?
TPOC: Well, in a manner of speaking.
WeNNA: Wait a second — how many Brian N's are there on “Roland's Team”?
TPOC: Well, there are two guys named Brian N on the team.
WeNNA: And of the two guys named Brian N, let's pick one of them at random, let's call him Brian N #1. Now, this person that we are calling Brian N #1, did he score 3 goals?
TPOC: Well ... no.
WeNNA: Well how many did he score?
TPOC: I think he got two goals.
WeNNA: OK, ok, now we are getting somewhere. So that means that the Brian N that we will refer to as Brian N #2 must have scored one goal.
TPOC: No, wait a second. I think he got two goals.
WeNNA: So Brian N #2 got two goals?
TPOC: Yeah, I think that's right.
WeNNA: And Brian N #1 had two goals?
TPOC: No, must have got one.
WeNNA: OK, OK, so Brian N #2 got two goals and Brian #1 — he got one goal.
TPOC: Hmm ... you know I think it was the other way around.
WeNNA: What do you mean?
TPOC: I think #2 got one and #1 got two.
WeNNA: You mean Brian N #2 got one goal and Brian #1 got two goals?
TPOC: Yeah, that's right.
WeNNA: What difference does it make?
TPOC: It makes a big difference. What if you were Brian N #1 and you got 2 goals but where only credited with one?

(While this was going on, Russ hit Chris with a great headman pass and Chris was able to fight off a stick check and bury the puck to get us back within one goal, 2-1.)

WeNNA: Is there anything else you care to add?
TPOC: Well, Chris gives me too much credit when he wrote that I scored the second goal.
WeNNA: You didn't?
TPOC: No I didn't.
WeNNA: So it was Brian N #1 that scored?
TPOC: No, I just told you I didn't score it.
WeNNA: So it was Brian N #2 that got it?
TPOC: AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
WeNNA: What?
TPOC: Are you listening at all? I just told you that I didn't score it, and you already know that Brian N #2 scored the first goal. Therefore, since Brian N #2 scored the first goal, and only scored one goal in the whole game, he could not have possibly scored the second goal also.
WeNNA: Brian N #3?
TPOC: THERE IS NO BRIAN N #3!
WeNNA: I give up then. Was it Roland?
TPOC: No, I know Roland and it wasn't him.

(The game was starting to get exciting as Roger worked the puck to Russ who notched his first goal of the season and knotted things up at 2-2 in the 1st period.)

WeNNA: That brings up another question. Why is it “Roland's Team” and not something like, “Brian's Team,” or “TPOC's Team” or even “Team Lucy”? And another thing, why are you on Roland's Team instead of the Coastal Pirates?
TPOC: Well, I asked Harris, but he said there wasn't room on the team.
WeNNA: And yet I heard that they picked up Keith Richardson on the Sunday team.
TPOC: You heard that? I didn't hear that.
WeNNA: That's what I heard.
TPOC: Nah, I thought I saw an e-mail about some guy named Mike Farrell joining the Sunday team.
WeNNA: Mike Farrell? Wasn't he the guy from M*A*S*H*?
TPOC: I don't know.
WeNNA: Well, whatever. But don't you think it is a little odd?
TPOC: What's odd?
WeNNA: You know, that the Pirates waited until you joined another team before they announced there was an opening.
TPOC: I wouldn't say that is odd, I just would say I got the “shaft.”
WeNNA: Yeah, not only that, but now they are making up a story about some guy named Mike Farrell playing on the team when in fact it's that guy Keith Richardson.
TPOC: Nah...
WeNNA: Yeah.
TPOC: No way, they could never pull that off — they would have to have a cabal of the entire team in order to pull off such a conspiracy.
WeNNA: Oh you are just so hopefully naive.

(At this point, TPOC squeezed the bottle of AllSport he was holding so hard that the cap exploded off like a cannon. After bouncing off a few startled spectators, it flew into the rink and rolled to a stop just outside of Harris' crease.)

TPOC: Son of a ...
WeNNA: Take it easy TPOC.
TPOC: You think everyone is behind it?
WeNNA: Well, you gotta figure Harris and Russ at a minimum.

(At this very instant, a puck squeezed between Harris’ pads to once again give the Jags B the lead at 3–2. Harris would later claim that he was distracted by an AllSport cap in the crease.)

TPOC: And Chris.
WeNNA: Yes, he does write the Sunday newsletter so he would have to be in on swapping Keith's name for Mike's.
TPOC: Man, I can't believe this.
WeNNA: And don't forget Dave.
TPOC: That's right, Dave and his mysterious injury. Now it is all making sense ... He faked the whole injury just so he could hold his spot until after the season started ....
WeNNA: Well, I don't know if I would go that far. I think he really is hurt, but he avoided telling anyone until after he knew that you were already on another roster — that way you wouldn't get the spot.
TPOC: You're probably right. Hey, do you think Roger is in on it?
WeNNA: Roger? Huh, I don't know. He's probably not overly-critical in the whole scheme, but my gut tells me that he is probably in on it.
TPOC: MAN! And to think I helped him out recently. Guess he won’t be seeing his check anytime soon.
WeNNA: Oh, and don't forget Wildman.
TPOC: Wildman?
WeNNA: Yeah, Wildman, he would have to be in on it.
TPOC: Nope, no way Wildman is in on it.
WeNNA: What? What are you talking about? Of course he is in on it. How could he not be?
TPOC: Trust me. I know something about Wildman. No way he could be in on it.
WeNNA: If you say so.
TPOC: Of course I say so, besides, he isn't critical to the plan at all. He can't even remember what car he drives to the game — how is he going to remember who plays on the team every Sunday night. It's a no-brainer.
WeNNA: A no-brainer.
TPOC: That's what I said, a no-brainer.
WeNNA: So, what do you think about getting screwed over like this?
TPOC: Well, you know, I guess in the grand scheme of things, it's not a big deal. After all, if I was playing on the Pirates, I could not be “TPOC.”

(At this point Russ picked up his second goal of the night to tie the game up at 3-3 — still in the 1st period.)

WeNNA: You just go on believing that. Hey, that was a pretty goal by Russ. Who got the assist on that?
TPOC: That would be Keith
WeNNA: Hmmm ... he’s really going to help that Sunday team. That reminds me, I heard you were really throwing your body around against the Pirates.
TPOC: Where did you hear that?
WeNNA: Well I heard from Russ that you were banging into Wildman.
TPOC: Come on, I was just having a little fun.
WeNNA: And Roger?
TPOC: Hah, Hah, I forgot about that, I think I knocked him on his back.
WeNNA:: Just having a little fun?
TPOC: Yeah, Roger knows it’s only in good fun.
WeNNA: Take us back to your first goal. I don't think Chris gave us enough detail on it.
TPOC: Well, the Pirates were pressing and I was able to pick up a loose puck and get around the “D” and broke in on my favorite goalie.
WeNNA: Now this was a 2-on-0 breakaway, did you ever think about passing?
TPOC: Yeah right.
WeNNA: So you were able to blast the puck past Harris ... what happened after that?
TPOC: Well I remember seeing the puck go into the net and then somebody hit me.
WeNNA: That would have been Russ.
TPOC: Yup, guess he was just having a little fun.
WeNNA: You added an emptynetter after that. When was the last time you scored two goals for the Pirates.
TPOC: In the same game?
WeNNA: Yes, in the same game.
TPOC: It’s been a long time.
WeNNA: Now just before the whistle blew, you had yet another chance to score, but you shot the puck just wide of another empty net. Don't you think it would have been pretty cheesy if you picked up a hattrick by scoring two emptynetters?
TPOC: Nope.
WeNNA: I almost forgot, I wanted to ask you about another of Chris' comments, but we got a little sidetracked earlier, I hope you don't mind if I bring it up now.
TPOC: Go right ahead, ask away.
WeNNA: Well, I happened to see a response to an earlier newsletter in which Chris commented about you naming one of his lines, “The FAG Line.”
TPOC: Yeah. So?
WeNNA: Well, do you think Chris is upset by that?
TPOC: Well, he did remember it.
WeNNA: Don't you feel a little ashamed of it?
TPOC: Ashamed of what?
WeNNA: Of calling his line “The FAG Line.”
TPOC: What's there to be ashamed of? Is it my fault his last name starts with a “G”?
WeNNA: Well, I just wanted to point out that ...
TPOC: No, wait a second. There's nothing wrong with referring to the line as the “FAG” line. After all, in Britain a cigarette is referred to as a “fag.”
WeNNA: Yes but we are not in Britain.
TPOC: That's right, we are not in Britain. And another thing, Chris is lucky that Glenn's last name isn't “Yolanda,” because if it was then he would be on “The GAY Line.”
WeNNA: Not that there is anything wrong with that.
TPOC: Right.
WeNNA: You know TPOC, we go months at a time without seeing you, I am often curious, what do you do with that incredible amount of time?
TPOC: Well actually, I have been able to put that time to good use. I just finished up the second draft of my first novel. I have sent it out to a few publishers, but I have yet to hear anything back yet.
WeNNA: What? Did I just hear you correctly? You have written a novel?
TPOC: Yes, that is correct.
WeNNA: Wow, that's amazing. Tell me more about it.
TPOC: Well it’s kind of like a cross between Science Fiction, Alternate History, and Botany.
WeNNA: Hmmm ...
TPOC: Yes, it is a truly epic tale of an indoor soccer team known as the “Inland Privateers.”
WeNNA:“Inland Privateers”?
TPOC: Yes that is correct — The “Inland Privateers.“ Now the team is made up of some truly special characters. For instance, the Captain of the “Inland Privateers” is none other than Gus Piccolosi. Gus is one part CEO and two parts scoundrel; when he is not running a major metropolitan Tabloid, he is fighting crime in the small towns.
WeNNA: Gus Piccolosi?
TPOC: That's right, and Gus is joined on the team by Paris Beagel.
WeNNA: Paris Beagel? Let me guess, he must be the goalie.
TPOC: Why that is quite correct, my intuitive friend. Paris is the backstop to the “Inland Privateers” and also works botanist.
WeNNA: Hmm ... sounds ... interesting.
TPOC: Would you like to read a sample chapter?
WeNNA: Some might argue that they felt like they already did.
TPOC: Come on, what do you have to lose?
WeNNA: Oh, OK, let me see it.

(As TPOC turned over the thickly-bound manuscript, I started to read through it, but stopped when I noticed that he was staring at me with a disappointing frown on his face.)

TPOC: I can’t hear you.
WeNNA: I’m reading it to myself. What do you need to hear me for?
TPOC: If you don’t read it out loud, how can it be part of the transcript?
WeNNA: What? You gotta be kidding me. I’m not reading this thing out loud.
TPOC: Oh, come on, just read it.

(TPOC had a crazed look on his face, so I decided to go along with him.)

WeNNA: Oh, OK Here we go. “It was a dark and stormy night.” Hey, you can’t start out like that — that has already been used.
TPOC: Relax, it's just the second draft. I needed something to get me started. I’ll fix it in the next draft.
WeNNA: Alright, where was I? OK, it was a stormy night and “I found myself seated on a barstool in the most onerous drinking establishment in all of Wisconsin.” You gotta be kidding me!
TPOC: Just read it!
WeNNA: “I should probably introduce myself, my mother named me 'Don,' but everyone knows me as 'Mildman.' Why 'Mildman' you ask? Well, its because I am a pretty mild guy.” Man this sucks.
TPOC: No it doesn’t just read it.
WeNNA: “Then I saw her. From across the bar our eyes locked and suddenly it was as if we were the only people in the world. My heart began to race and I felt a pulsing in my chest like I’ve never felt before. Slowly her right hand began to tenderly caress her lower bosom ...”

(Suddenly the girl sitting behind TPOC let out a startled gasp.)

TPOC: What?! I didn’t write that! What are you doing?
WeNNA: I’m sorry, just taking a little creative license.
TPOC: Well don’t.
WeNNA: “Suddenly I erupted from my stool. I was a bubbling fountain of emotion as I stood tall and erect ...”

(We were interrupted when the girl behind TPOC smacked him across the back of the head and stormed out of the rink.)

TPOC: Give me that back.

(TPOC grabbed his “novel” back from me — thankfully. He then looks up at the rink.)

TPOC: Hey what happened?
WeNNA: What do you mean?
TPOC: I thought the Pirates were playing the Jags B and now I see a whole lot of Geriatrics skating around.
WeNNA: Haven’t you been paying attention? That game ended a while ago. The Pirates lost 6–3.
TPOC: Whhhaaatttt?

(TPOC looked at his watch in a panic and jumped up to leave.)

WeNNA:: Hey TPOC, where are you going?
TPOC: I hope I didn’t miss the “meeting”!
WeNNA: But TPOC, when will we see you again?
TPOC: I’ll see everyone on October 20!