(vol. 16W, no. 3; newsletter by b.n.)
They say, “Hell hath no fury like a lover scorned.” I'm not certain who said it, maybe it was Leonardo DiVinci or perhaps it was Leonardo DiCaprio? Whoever it was, they wouldn't have to look any farther than last week's newsletter to find a perfect example of it (well, except for the “lover” part, of course).
If you haven't done so already, please read last week's newsletter. Even if you have, now would be a perfect opportunity to go back and reread last week's newsletter. I have even provided the following link to make it that much more convenient. In Mike's case, have your coworkers help you out by reading you all the difficult words.
[ Harris, Insert the Link Here ]

OK, that's better, you read the newsletter right? You didn't? Why freakin' not? Harris didn't insert the link? Crap!
[ Harris, Insert the Link Here ]

And? Harris still didn't insert the link?
Damn, he must still be mad at me over that whole Asbury Park Press survey that I was supposed to fill out. Geez, what's his problem? I apologized to him already. What do I gotta do? OK, I got it:
[ Harris, Pretty Please Insert the Link Here ]

[ Harris, Insert the #$@%$^% Link Here! ]

Hmmm... I give up. Forget it. Find the newsletter yourself. Anyway, assuming you read the newsletter, I got the following note sent to me by Mike Farrell:

-----Original Message-----
Sent: December 02, 2003 2:49 PM

Maybe with the new Guy you'll actually score some points! nah I doubt it ... new guy lover hahahaha
P.S. check the points tally every season you know where you are on it? that's right baby in the basement ... I play where D that's right and you play ??? uh huh enough said huh or you want me to keep going?

I read that and I said to myself, “What the heck is Mike's problem?” Then I figured, that Mike could not be serious, and was just trying to respond in a manner that is consistent with the sarcastic nature of the newsletter. Well, that is what I thought anyway. When I arrived for our game last Wednesday against the Geriatrics, I found that I was wrong in my assumption — Mike's reply was not only a true account of the thoughts that boiled up in his soul, but he was still not over it. The boasting continued about how great he was and how equally ungreat I was. Ouch. I think at some point he realized how mean and petty he sounded; he then tried to play the whole incident off as a joke, but after Russ chimed in with his own comments about how great Mike was, Mike jumped back in to his diatribe with both feet.

Well, enough about Mike, let's talk about the Geriatrics. The last time we played them was the Consolation game at the end of last season. For those of you that can't remember (Mike), it was #67 who salvaged the win by breaking the 3-3 tie with a goal late in the 3rd period (yeah, I know it was only a scrimmage game, but I'll take it). And speaking of #67, as he took the floor to skate against his former teammates, there was something different about him. Yeah, he was still playing between “The Brother's Miller,” but there was something else different about him — Scott Baldwin called it “sexy.” Huh? Yeah, Scott really said that. But we will have to get to that later, because less then 1:00 minute into the game it was Evan Miller who found himself camped out behind the Geriatric goalie; with #67 screaming for the puck from the slot, Evan made a nice feed that #67 was able to fire on net and then pounce on his own rebound for the score. Take that Mike. The scoring continued when the next line of Craig — who was incorrectly referred to as “Greg with a C” in last week's newsletter (my apologies on that Greg) — Chris and Wildman got things rolling. First it was Wildman winning a face-off to Depip's right. The puck got to Chris who threw it into the top corner to Depip's left for the score. Still later in the 1st, it was Chris along the far boards feeding a great return pass to Craig who fired the puck over Depip's right shoulder for his first goal as a Coastal Pirate. Then — still before the first buzzer — it was Scott Miller burying a rebound to give the Pirates a comfortable 4-0 lead after one period.

As the 2nd got going it seemed Chris was having the hot hand of the night; deep in the Geriatrics corner, he make a great back pass to Russ at the blueline and volume 16W, no. 2

Wait ... What the heck was that?
Harris finally came through with the link to last week's newsletter. It's about time. Not that anyone cares about it anymore. Well, other then Mike that is. Now where was I? Oh yeah, it was the 2nd period. Keith. What can I say about Keith? Keith does not get enough mention in the newsletter. When we win, it is usually because he plays a strong defensive game and keeps the opponents off the scoreboard — and usually that is overshadowed by whomever happens to score the goals. When we lose, it's usually because he tries to skate the puck out from behind his own net, has the puck stripped, and the opponents score ... but I don't put that in the newsletter because I don't want Keith to look bad. And in reality, that's only happened a couple of times (which is still less then the amount of times that Mike has fired the puck into his own net). But I digress. Keith. Even he scores more points then Mike. And do you hear him mocking me? No of course not. Before the 2nd was out, it was Keith who set up Wildman for a gutty goal (somehow, Mike got to the scorekeeper and convinced him to have his name added to the scoresheet). At the end of the 2nd period, the Pirates had added two more tallies for the 6-0 lead.

As the 3rd got underway, Keith continued to tally up the points. It was #67 who got the puck from Keith and lifted the puck over the mass of bodies piled in front of the net. The ever-gracious Mike Farrell was quick to yell out: “Freehold Cartage with the goal!” The only thing that Wayne Gretzky and #67 have in common is that their first names both have five letters in them. Well, come to think of it, there last names both have seven letters in them ... but other than that, the two have very little in common. So when #67 then got the puck from Evan Miller, behind the Geriatric net, no one was really expecting a Gretzky-like move (least of all the shell-shocked Depip), but out of nowhere #67 caught Depip cheating toward the center of the rink and banked the puck off his skate for the score (Bobby Currao later called the goal “Cruel”). Mike Farrell had a great chance later in the period to increase the point tally of #67, but instead missed the net on a one-timer on a feed from the point. Mike finally got one past Depip (assist to Scott Miller) to close out the scoring and securing the 9-0 victory.

Did I leave anyone out? Oh yeah, Dave Matthews. On a night when every other player (other than Harris) got a goal or an assist, Dave got zero. And in a true testament to his stay-at-home defensive play, Dave can share the honor of the shutout with Harris. Dave doesn't need points to prove to himself what a great player he is. Are you listening Mike? And oh one more thing: I guess you were right when you said: “Maybe with the new Guy you'll actually score some points!”

WON 9-0


For his third career hattrick (moving him into 4th place among Pirates on the “Legends” page).

For a 3-point night.

For his 2 points, but mainly for resisting the urge to partake in the “feeding (scoring) frenzy” on the other side of the blueline.