18W, no. 3; newsletter by b.n.)
I was sitting at my kitchen table the other day when there was a knock on the door. When I answered it, there was a strangely familiar person looking at me. Do I know you? I asked the strangely familiar person. No, the person answered, but he certainly seemed to know a lot about me. Too much in fact. It was eerie. Not only did he know an awful lot about my history with the Coastal Pirates, but he seemed to know many things about me in general. After inviting the person inside for a cold drink (I still had some of those Pabst Blue Ribbons in the fridge that Harris gave me), I finally realized how the person knew so much about me: As it turns out, the person who went by the name The Splendid Traveler was, in fact, a time-traveler from the future! The Splendid Traveler (who I will refer to as TST for simplicity matters) is a big Coastal Pirates fan. Well, perhaps fan is not the proper word; after all, TST earned a Ph.D. based on a thesis entitled Coastal Pirate: Where Truth & Myth Collide (with the subtitle: And it Ain' t Pretty").
Apparently, TST studied every Coastal Pirate newsletter (which includes many that have yet to be written) and has become a world-renowned expert on ... you guessed it ... the Coastal Pirates. In fact, TST knew more about the Coastal Pirates than I did. For instance, for all these years I always wondered who Ed Southward was. Turns out that it is none other than Scooby! Wow, I never knew that! So you would think that after getting a visit from a time-traveling-Coastal-Pirate-connoisseur, I would be able to get a little help with writing the newsletter? Apparently not. However, I had hoped that TST would be able to travel a week or so into the past and let me know what happened in last week's Wednesday night game, but, according to TST, he is only able to travel backwards in time to our present; therefore, because last Wednesday's game lies in our past, it is unattainable to the time-traveling technology used by TST. Huh? I don't get it, but I guess it makes sense. As TST explained further, since next Wednesday was in my future, TST would be able to travel to that point and read the newsletter from the game and report back to me. Sensing a great opportunity, I agreed and sent TST one week into the future. When TST returned moments later, I was amazed when he began reading the following:
I was sitting at my kitchen table the other day when there was a knock on the door. When I answered it, there was a strangely familiar person looking at me. Do I know you? I asked the strangely familiar person. No, the person answered, but he certainly seemed to know a lot about me. Too much in fact. It was eerie. Not only did he know an awful lot ...
Wait, this is not helping. But, in the future, cars will drive themselves! TST suddenly blurted out, trying to maintain my interest. I hate to say it, but I don't care, all I wanted was a little help with the newsletter. Yes, but in the future there will be world peace, and all the planet's inhabitants will live together in peace and harmony. Hmmm, sounds nice, but that doesn't really help. There is the Sweden thing, he finally added, resigned to the fact that I wasn't interested in his other offerings.
Oh yeah! One of the only things I do remember (other than Russ' goal) was the comment the scorekeeper made to Harris after the game. According to those in the know, Adam-the-Scorekeeper asked Harris: Are you from Sweden? Harris answered that he wasn't, in fact, from Sweden and wanted to know why Adam-the-Scorekeeper would ask such a question. Because sometimes you play like Swiss cheese! he said and began convulsing with laughter. (editor's note: Adam, in case you're reading this, we're posting a map of Europe. Sweden is in yellow, and Switzerland is shown in red.)
I'm not making this up. According to Harris, Adam-the-Scorekeeper still didn't get it even after Harris explained to him that Sweden and Switzerland where different countries, and that he'd be from Switzerland if he played like Swiss cheese. A few moments of dispute followed (Adam-the-scorekeeper still unwilling to yield that two different countries did exist), until Scott Baldwin and Bobby Currao settled the matter by calling him an idiot. (editor's note: we are not commenting here specifically on the intelligence of Adam-the-Scorekeeper, but rather using this vignette as an indictment of the current state of our educational system.)
Honestly, I don't get the whole time-traveling thing. After all what good is a time traveler if they can't tell me how last week's game ended. But in the future, all illnesses will be cured! People will live for over 200 years! Hmmm ... after thinking real hard, I think it was Keith who scored the winning goal with about :45 seconds remaining in the game. But in the future, Mike Farrell will never take a shift longer than 2:00 minutes! And that's when I realized that The Splendid Traveler was full of shit.
1) KEITH RICHARDSON
For his last-minute goal to unknot the tie and give us the victory.
From a nomination:
For playing awesome. Nothing else to say.
3) MIKE FARRELL
For showing-up more now then he did when he was on the roster and playing well (and getting a point to boot).