(vol.
18W, no. 3; newsletter by b.n.)
I was sitting at my kitchen table the other day when
there was a knock on the door. When I answered it, there was a strangely
familiar person looking at me. “Do I know you?” I asked the strangely
familiar person. “No,” the person answered, but he certainly seemed
to know a lot about me. Too much in fact. It was eerie. Not only did he
know an awful lot about my history with the Coastal Pirates, but he seemed
to know many things about me in general. After inviting the person inside
for a cold drink (I still had some of those Pabst Blue Ribbons
in the fridge that Harris gave me),
I finally realized how the person knew so much about me: As it turns out,
the person — who went by the name “The Splendid Traveler”
— was, in fact, a time-traveler from the future! “The
Splendid Traveler” (who I will
refer to as “TST” for simplicity matters) is a big Coastal Pirates
fan. Well, perhaps “fan” is not the proper word; after all, TST
earned a Ph.D. based on a thesis entitled “Coastal Pirate: Where Truth
& Myth Collide” (with the subtitle: “And it Ain' t Pretty").
Apparently, TST studied every Coastal Pirate newsletter (which includes
many that have yet to be written) and has become a world-renowned expert
on ... you guessed it ... the Coastal Pirates. In fact, TST knew more about
the Coastal Pirates than I did. For instance, for all these years I always
wondered who “Ed Southward” was. Turns out that it is none other
than Scooby! Wow, I never knew that! So you would think that after getting
a visit from a time-traveling-Coastal-Pirate-connoisseur, I would be able
to get a little help with writing the newsletter? Apparently not. However,
I had hoped that TST would be able to travel a week or so into the past
and let me know what happened in last week's Wednesday night game, but,
according to TST, he is only able to travel backwards in time to our present;
therefore, because last Wednesday's game lies in our past, it is unattainable
to the time-traveling technology used by TST. Huh? I don't get it, but I
guess it makes sense. As TST explained further, since next Wednesday was
in my future, TST would be able to travel to that point and read the newsletter
from the game and report back to me. Sensing a great opportunity, I agreed
and sent TST one week into the future. When TST returned moments later,
I was amazed when he began reading the following:
“I
was sitting at my kitchen table the other day when there was a knock on
the door. When I answered it, there was a strangely familiar person looking
at me. “Do I know you?” I asked the strangely familiar person.
“No,” the person answered, but he certainly seemed to know a lot
about me. Too much in fact. It was eerie. Not only did he know an awful
lot ...”
Wait, this is not helping. “But, in the future, cars will drive themselves!”
TST suddenly blurted out, trying to maintain my interest. I hate to say
it, but I don't care, all I wanted was a little help with the newsletter.
“Yes, but in the future there will be world peace, and all the planet's
inhabitants will live together in peace and harmony.” Hmmm, sounds
nice, but that doesn't really help. “There is the Sweden thing,”
he finally added, resigned to the fact that I wasn't interested in his other
offerings.
Oh yeah! One of the only things I do remember (other than Russ' goal) was
the comment the scorekeeper made to Harris after the game. According to
those in the know, Adam-the-Scorekeeper asked Harris: “Are you from
Sweden?” Harris answered that he wasn't, in fact, from Sweden and wanted
to know why Adam-the-Scorekeeper
would ask such a question. “Because sometimes
you play like Swiss cheese!” he said and began convulsing with laughter.
(editor's note: Adam, in case you're reading this,
we're posting a map of Europe. Sweden is in yellow, and Switzerland is shown
in red.)
I'm not making this up. According to Harris, Adam-the-Scorekeeper
still didn't get it even after Harris explained to
him that Sweden and Switzerland where different countries, and that he'd
be from Switzerland if he played like Swiss cheese. A few moments of dispute
followed (Adam-the-scorekeeper still unwilling to yield that two different
countries did exist), until Scott Baldwin and Bobby Currao settled the matter
by calling him an idiot. (editor's note: we are not
commenting here specifically on the intelligence of Adam-the-Scorekeeper,
but rather using this vignette as an indictment of the current state of
our educational system.)
Honestly, I don't get the whole time-traveling thing. After all what good
is a time traveler if they can't tell me how last week's game ended. “But
in the future, all illnesses will be cured! People will live for over 200
years!” Hmmm ... after thinking real hard, I think it was Keith who
scored the winning goal with about :45 seconds remaining in the game. “But
in the future, Mike Farrell will never take a shift longer than 2:00 minutes!”
And that's when I realized that The Splendid Traveler was full of shit.
