24W, no. 7; newsletter by b.n.)
It was, of course, James Frey who sealed our fate. No idea what I'm talking about? I would be somewhat disappointed if you did. You see, Oprah Winfrey has gotten in a little hot water about Frey's autobiography that she featured in the “Oprah Book Club” — basically entire sections of his book were fabricated. How does that adversely affect the Pirates? In the wake of that controversy Oprah decided to scrap plans to add the “Complete Collection of Coastal Pirate Newsletters” to her book club, and instead endorsed the serialization of the movie “Brokeback Mountain.” How the heck did that happen? I was all psyched-up to be on the show — reliving all the great moments in Coastal Pirate history: The thrilling wins, the heartbreaking losses ... and BB. Unfortunately for all the Coastal Pirate fans out there, the fact checkers that Harpo Productions™ hired were not buying into some of the more obscure portions of the newsletters.
Can I help it if I can't prove that I was abducted by aliens? I tried to use the old “Well I was in such a haze that I actually can't remember for certain” excuse, but Frey already used that one! I guess I'm just disappointed for all the kids out there that will never get to experience some of the most uplifting Coastal Pirate-related stories ever to appear on the internet. Who can forget the moment when Scott LeMatty tried to fight that 14-year-old kid in the World Trade Center benefit game? Or the time when Roger Weiss decided to serve a penalty that was assessed to a player on the opposing team? Or the way that Dave Matthews got called for a 4:00-minute penalty after Brooks decided to kiss his stick? There are a million kids out there waiting to laugh, desperate for a smile to brighten their lives, and now — due to Oprah's change of heart — will never get that chance. Perhaps now these same kids will rob a bank. Or maybe they will knock over an ATM machine. Or perhaps they will just run over a deer on Route 195. Whatever the case, it will all be Oprah's fault.
And I had the perfect promotional tour worked out! A “Weigh-Off”! What is a “Weigh-Off” Well as Russ happened to mention in an email the other day, he has dedicated his life to losing twenty pounds. So let's put him and Oprah up on the scale. Let's see who weighs more!
By the way, I suggested that Harris use Russ' motivational email as the newsletter in lieu of this, but he nixed the idea. Hmmm, I just realized that Harpo is Oprah spelled backwards — damn, that is funny. Can you hear me laughing? Of course you can't hear me laughing because no one is reading this. And it is Oprah's fault. There could have been an audience of millions. Harris would have finally been able to unload those Coastal Pirate muscle tees that he has been lugging around for years. Well there's always the Jerry Springer show ...
date of game: 1.16.06
1) DARREN GUGGLIELMELLI
For his 2-point night (including a slam dunk rebound late in the final minutes).
2) CHRIS GOIONE
For his 2-point night.
3) JOE BAIO
For agreeing to sub, then being told not to come, then being called 20 minutes before gametime to sub again and somehow getting to the rink in time for the opening face-off.