29W, no. 9; newsletter by b.n.)
The S.O.C. met in secret the other night. Well, actually it wasn't so secret that they met, what was more of a secret was what they discussed. Sure they can try and deny it. They can say, “Hey we were just talking” or “We weren't talking about Pirate business” or my favorite: “None of your freakin' business.” But no matter how many denials they try to spin, there can be no argument about the outcome of the meeting; Because after it was over, Chris stormed away, lighting-up the rear wheels of his Vette and laying about $1,000 worth of rubber down on the GoodSports blacktop. (Shortly thereafter the Wall Fire Chief showed up looking for the fire, but that is another story). So what makes me think that a conversation at the far end of the parking lot was in fact a meeting of the S.O.C.? Well thanks to the beauty of modern technology, we have a window into the conversation. (For those of you that don't know, cell phones can be operated remotely so that they will “turn on” and broadcast without the person even knowing — it's a great tool for law enforcement or those looking to abuse the Patriot Act (or someone just curious what goes on during a meeting of the S.O.C.). So here without further interruption is the transcript of what was recorded on Wednesday, May 2, 2007:
Male Voice: Hello Brother Vladimir, how have you been?
2nd Male Voice: I've been good, brother Octavius, a little sore, maybe a little tired, but overall, well.
Male Voice: How do the legs feel, Brother Vladimir?
2nd Male Voice: The legs feel fine, they really only hurt when I start skating ... or when I stop skating. I really can't much pressure on them. Oh, and when I turn around and skate backwards, sharp pains race from the bottom of my knees, up through my pelvis and knife through my back ... but overall, nothing too bad.
Male Voice: I would like to call this meeting to order, can I have the secret handshake please? (Unrecognizable scuffing sound)
Male Voice: (Unintelligible mumbling)
2nd Male Voice: What?
Male Voice: That was not the secret handshake
2nd Male Voice: Of course it was the secret handshake. (There is a long pause in the recording — one can only assume that some sort of nonverbal communication is taking place here, perhaps a nod or shrug)
2nd Male Voice: (Slightly agitated) I should know the secret handshake, I designed it!
Male Voice: I am sorry Brother Vladimir, that was not the secret handshake.
2nd Male Voice: Brother Octavius, there must be some sort of mistake, that is the secret handshake.
Male Voice: Yes Brother Vladimir, there has been some sort of mistake, you have missed a few meetings of the S.O.C. and in your absence, the secret handshake has changed. (Another long pause)
Male Voice: (Yelling off in another direction from earlier recording) Hey Brooks, come show Chris the secret handshake!
date of game: 5.10.07
1) CRAIG SUDOL
For the GWG (assist to Gucci on that one).
2) DOUG COLLIMORE
After surrendering two quick goals, Doug held the fort — including a barrage of breakaways in the final period — to secure the Quarterfinals victory.
3) JOHN CASSENS
In the words of a teammate: “For great hustle.”
THE ABOMINABLE ARMSWOOD?
No, the photo above is not a yeti sighting in the Himalayas, but rather an even rarer snapshot of former-Pirate Rob Armswood crashing the Pirates post-game “meeting.” The photo was taken by an amateur photographer, and if you look carefully you can see Chris Goione at the far left — which helps show the immense scale of the creature.