(vol. 33S, no. 5; newsletter by r.n.)
editor's note: And now another Blackberry™-authored newsletter by our fierceless leader ...
The Pirates avoided even being bitten by the Cannibals on Sunday night. The 8-0 whitewash was led by very occasional goaltending by Harris.

When called upon, Harris came up big in recording his 327th career shutout for the MIB. BTW, about 250 of those shutouts came in dream sequences the nights after 250 losses and another 40 or so came in bubble hockey in his basement where he has substituted Pirate players for the USA and regularly beats the unmanned handles of the very lethargic Soviet Red Army Club. Some would say the commie bastards are nearly motionless in their awe of the Pirate passing and goaltending. If not for his prowess for scoring “own goals” in the bubble games, the shutout total would be much higher. That leaves about 40 or so real shutouts which is probably about right. Not bad for a goofy handed goalie that is 5 foot nothing, and 150 lbs soaking wet with a fetish for ironed jerseys and Fabreze.

(For some reason, with all the stats we have on our site we do not have career statistics, so the figure of 327 shutouts could be disputed, but only LeMatty, DiPiero and Matthews are old enough to legitimately dispute that figure, so let's call it a rough estimate. I was hoping to score a few more goals myself to cut into my deficit behind Brooks in career goals. My estimate has me trailing him by about 400, but leading in assists by about the same number. I am twice his age, twice his weight and half as fast, so I am pretty pleased with that set of numbers in general).

The rest of the game was pretty uneventful although I will say the Pirates played very sharply in the 1st period. Excellent effort, terrific passing. I am now confused who is a regular and who is a sub, but you all know who plays for us, so what's the difference. Joe Lyden was once again head and shoulders above all players on the rink with solid defense, exquisite rushes and unselfish passing.

To the Cannibals credit, they played hard and clean to the final whistle.

Attendance (players): Russ, Ralz, LeMatty, Anthony, Glenn-man, Dan, Joe Lyden, Kevin (subbing), Wildman (subbing)
Scratches: Craig (AWOL), Charile
Scoring: 1st period: 4-0 Pirates: Goals by LeMatty (Russ); Joe; Russ; Tony (Russ); 3rd period: 8-0 Pirates — Mercy at 16:30: Goals by Joe; Kevin; Joe (Tony); Tony.

*The accuracy of these stats are not guaranteed since they have not been reviewed by Brooks.

date of game: 4.27.08

WON 8-0


For his first career Pirate hattrick and for spearheading the second-fastest Pirate “Mercy” in the history of the franchise.

For his 2-goal, 3-point night.

For his 1-goal, 3-point night.