(vol. 38S, no. 4; newsletter by b.n.)
You know, it's really been a tragic past couple of weeks if you happen to be a celebrity, what with the passing of Ed McMahon, David Carradine, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson ... Billy Mays — the list seems to go on forever. And worse than that is all the tragic 911 phone calls that are flooding the internet and YouTube. Me personally, I can't listen to them. I don't want to listen to the final comments made by the pilot of some airplane just before it crashed into the Atlantic. I find it horrifying. Or the phone call made by Jackson's doctor, when it becomes obvious that the guy who prescribed the ten different medications that he was on had no clue how to administer CPR. But perhaps every cloud has its silver lining, because will all the other tragic 911 phone calls and black box recordings flooding the internet, the following call made by Tim Hand went by unnoticed ... until now of course ...

911 Dispatch: 911 ... what's your emergency?

Tim Hand: Yeah, I was standing in my kitchen and I heard a big thump!

911: Alright sir, what's the emergency?

TH: Yeah, I thought something hit my front porch!

911: SIR! The emergency!?

TH: Oh yeah, I'm getting to it. So I walk outside and I look at my front porch ...

911: SIR!

TH: Sorry.

911: That's OK sir, just get to the emergency.

TH: Anyway, I look out across my front yard and I have some pretty heavy shrubs so it is kind of hard to see the road, but I could just make out like a headlight ... and ...

911: So you saw headlight in your shrubs? So you are saying that there has been some type of accident?

TH: Oh, I'll say so ... so I'm looking at the headlight ... and I can tell that it is closer to me than it should be ... then I realize that it is still attached to the car ...

911: So the accident isn't so bad — the headlight is still attached to the car?

TH: No, its pretty bad. After staring at it for a while, you know I thought that there was something funny about it. Then I realized that the headlight was UPSIDE DOWN.

911: (screaming) You have a car upside down in your front yard! Why didn't you just come out and say it!

[moaning can be heard on the tape]

911: What was that noise I just heard?

TH: Oh, that was the driver. I am standing out here by the street ... he's pretty messed up ... his face is all bloody and I don't think he was wearing his seatbelts.

911: What makes you think that sir?

TH: Well, his left arm looks like its pinned under the car.

911: Oh my god, stand by I'll dispatch an emergency crew to your location, I have it as (deleted from the recording). Is that correct sir?

TH: Yes that is correct.

911: OK, just stand by ...

TH: Hey, this isn't going to take too long is it? I've got a hockey game to go to and this piece of junk is blocking my driveway.

911: Just stand by sir ...

[nothing can be heard on the tape for approximately 45 seconds except the beep to indicate that the conversation is being recorded]

911: Sir are you still there?

TH: Yes, I am still here"

911: Alright sir ... it is very important that you stay on the line until the emergency crews get there.

TH: Yeah, that won't be a problem. It's not like I can go anywhere with the car blocking my driveway.

[Another beep is heard, but it is a different type of beep than the one heard earlier throughout the recording]

911: What was that?

TH: Oh, I have another call coming in.

911: Don't answer it! It's important that you stay on the line.

TH: I have to answer it — it's someone from the hockey team.

911: Stay on the line ...

[there is a clicking sound]

911: Sir?

[approximately 30 seconds of silence]

TH: Shit.

911: What's the matter sir?

TH: Oh, the goalie is going to miss tonight's game so somebody else needs to bring the beer.

[there is the sound of cans being kicked around on pavement]

TH: (yelling away from the receiver) Hey all I see are empties here ... you got a cooler or something?

911: Who are you talking to?

TH: Oh, I'm just asking the driver where he keeps the unopened beer at.

[some mumbling can be heard on the recording]

(yelling away from the receiver) In the trunk? But the trunk is locked. Throw me the keys.

911: Sir ... what are you doing?

TH: I'm trying to get the keys so I can open the trunk.

911: Sir, the man's just been in an accident. It's important that he not move until emergency personnel arrive.

TH: It's OK, only one arm is pinned under the car.

[there is the jingle of car key's hitting the pavement]

TH: (yelling away from the receiver) Hey thanks buddy.

911: Sir, it is very important that you not disturb that vehicle until trained personnel arrive.

[there is a loud crash heard ... followed by another series of smaller bangs and rattles]

911: What was that!

TH: I just opened the trunk.

911: All that noise was you opening the trunk?

TH: Well the car is upside after all ... and this guy must carry his whole life around in the back of his car.

(yelling away from the receiver) Keystone Light! What's wrong with you buddy — don't you have any Coors Light?

[mumbling can be heard]

TH: (yelling away from the receiver) Whatever ... I guess it is still an improvement over Pabst.

911: Sir ... before the emergency help arrives can you tell me what type of vehicle it is so I can put it in my report.

TH: It looks like an old silver Bonneville.

911: A Bonneville! Really?

TH: Yeah, its definitely a Bonneville. It says it right on the side ... it's upside down of course.

911: That's really interesting. And the driver, would you say he was in his late fifties wearing a gray shirt ... medium to heavy build with thin balding hair?

TH: Yeah, that sounds like your man here. How did you know?

911: Somebody answering that description just reported chest pains at the park down the street from you and then he refused medical treatment when it arrived.

TH: (yelling away from the receiver) Hey buddy, did you just come from the park?

[there is some mumbling heard followed by a thump which was followed by a scream]

911: What was that?

TH: Oh, nothing ...

[faint scream can be heard: “He kicked me!”]

911: Did you kick him sir?

TH: Who me?

[there is some more moaning followed by another thump and yet another scream]

TH: (yelling away from the receiver) Shut up!

[another thump is heard]

911: You kicked him again sir, didn't you?

TH: Sorry, I couldn't help myself.

[there is the sound of a vehicle door slamming]

911: What was that noise?

TH: The tow truck just arrived.

911: That's great news ,but please stay on the line until the EMTs arrive ... and make sure no one disturbs that vehicle.

(yelling away from the receiver) Yeah, 911s on the phone ... they say you got to move this car immediately before the guy goes all cardio and all ...


[there is loud engine revving followed by the incessant beep on the truck's backup alarm]

TH: (yelling, but heavily muffled) What's that? I can't hear you?

911: Sir! I need you to let me talk to the tow truck driver!

(still slightly muffled) He's kind of busy right now.

[clicking sound is heard .... then silence]

911: Sir?

[more silence]

911: Sir?

[end of recording]

Attendance (players): Cassens, Farkas, Hand, LeMatty
, Newcomb, Nicolosi, Baio (sub), R. Trochiano (sub). Net: Jacobson.
Scratches: DiPierro, Irausquin,
McLaughlin, Nicholson.
Scoring: 1st period: 2-1 Pirates: Goal by Nicolosi (none). 3rd period: 3-2 Pirates: Goals by LeMatty (Nicolosi); R. Trochiano (none).
date of game: 6.28.09

WON 3-2


As nominated by the Cap'n.

As nominated by the Cap'n.

As nominated by the Cap'n.